When God Says, "No," He Is Saying, "I Love You"

For years, I thought God had abandoned me. I thought he was not answering my prayers. I thought he had turned his ear away from me.

How? That wasn't consistent with the God I had known, who had wooed me to love him with his grace and full affection and delight in me. The God who said he does incline his ear to listen and who gently leads the sheep of his fold. How could that God make promises to be near to the broken hearted and not hear my daily cries, for a decade on end?

A week ago, I got a new understanding. I think it is the voice of the Lord.

You see, for at least 10 years, and maybe more, I had been asking him to change me, to give me greater endurance and strength and stability within myself so that I could continue to endure an abusive situation. I thought continuing in it was the only way to stay righteous. You see, "what God has joined together, let no man separate" was something I took seriously, even if the "no man" was this woman, to save herself. What I didn't realize then is that I wouldn't be the one doing the separating. I didn't cause the separation. The abuser did that. Yet I still would not consider even calling it what it truly was and formalizing that which was reality, because I felt so certain that it would be wrong. I simply needed to endure it.

And I couldn't. This bruised reed is so very bruised. These bones were dried out. The soul became crushed. And I thought that meant God had abandoned me. How could he let me break so completely? Why didn't he give me strength to keep going?

Why? Because he loves me. I finally heard it last week. All this time, he hasn't been turning a deaf ear. He has actually been answering me. But his answer wasn't what I expected. His answer was, "No."

"No, my precious daughter. I will not give you more strength to endure this abuse. No, I will not be the cause of you staying in it. No, I do not want this for you. Come out, my daughter. If desperation is what it takes to bring you out, crawl away, and come out into the light."

He had to say no to me for me to finally begin to break free. He had to refuse to strengthen me, so that in my weakness I would have no other choice than to leave it or die in it. And he loved me too much to watch me stay.

Freedom is coming. I am like the concubine upon the threshold, only in my own case, I pray and believe that he has called me out moments before that fatal one. He is saving me. I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Why "Shadowing Abigail"?

The title of this blog is related to our following in the footsteps of a biblical person who had no doubt experienced abuse by someone who should have loved her dearly. This woman found herself bound to an abusive husband. Abigail's story can be found in 1 Samuel chapter 25.

The name Abigail can mean "my Father's joy" or "my Father is rejoicing."  Given her marriage to a dangerously selfish brute of a man who would put himself, his wife, and all his hired young men into a life-or-death situation simply to stroke his own ego, we can imagine that Abigail knew the despair of being unloved, used, and trodden upon. But unlike many, including some of ourselves, she chose to act in wisdom to save herself and others. Her actions averted great tragedy, and upon the death of her abusive husband, Abigail was given by God to the care of King David, as his own wife.

She suffered, but she was not forgotten.

We who have known abuse walk in the shadow of this woman, in the knowledge that we too have suffered, but we are not forgotten. All who call on the name of the Lord will be saved.