Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
This book has been recommended to me numerous times. I have not yet read it, but I have been spending a little time over at the author's blog, Healing and Hope. There is much there to validate what the abused actually experience. There is much there to help initiate opening the victims' eyes to the reality of the abuse she is experiencing. I wish that one person in my sphere had known of Lundy Bancroft's research and conclusions somewhere in the couple of decades of my abusive experience. No one did, or at least no one directed me to these truths.
The helplessness and hopelessness of being in an abusive marriage is that everyone expects the victim to be able to resolve the problems. "Why can't they just work it out?" outsiders ask. "Throw them into a little counseling; it's all about miscommunication; she pushes his buttons; he has deep insecurities and she needs to accept that she took on that baggage when she chose to marry him."
None of those comments recognize the reality of the belief system an abuser is operating from. None of them recognize the deep, deep, deep dishonesty that the abuser will perpetuate to achieve his goals. None of them realize that even those speaking such comments have fallen under the manipulation of the abuser who has charmed them with a false, contrived persona.
But Lundy Bancroft seems to understand, and lights are going off all over the place as I read his blog entries. I highly recommend his blog for anyone who IS abused, who knows someone who is abused, who wants to help the abused and/or the abusers, who sits in a pastor's or counselor's role either professionally or by nature of circumstances.
Do not presume to think you understand the reasons for abusers' actions until you read some of what Lundy Bancroft is saying. Most counselors, pastors, and even friends are getting it wrong. I would venture to say that ALL of the abuse victims who stayed in their relationships long enough to be harmed are also getting it wrong. He is not just angry. He is not just fearful. He is not just insecure. There's something deeper going on and getting to that is not an easy task.
Flee from evil. The best thing you can do for an abusive man whom you love is make him face the consequences of his abuse so that he can be brought to face the reality of his belief system. You cannot love it out of him. You cannot quietly serve it out of him. It will not get better over time without a great deal of highly trained professional involvement and something radical to open his mind to raw honesty about how he thinks of himself and others.
I was so naive. I was so blindly optimistic and hopeful. That cost me deeply.
