It's rare to find anyone else who understands narcissism and the abuse and crazy-making that comes from years of it. Unless you live with it, it's unlikely you'll know much at all about it. And even if you do live with it, you may never know what it's called. That was my case. I lived with it for over a decade and a half before finding out it was a real condition with a definition and very consistent set of characteristics. Once I saw the package, though, lightbulbs went off everywhere. What a solid fit.
So it was surprising and encouraging today when I met someone who knew something about this condition and what it is like to live in it. Her husband had been married before to a narcissistic woman. He too had experienced the shift in his own thinking--the desperate need for stability and security, the questioning of self about everything, the lack of rational foundation for any discussion, the shifting sand, the depression and anxiety--that women under abuse generally experience. Even a man can be so manipulated and destroyed when he loves a narcissistic abuser.
She said he went through much counseling to recover, and one of the affirming illustrations his counselor gave him brought me some affirmation and comfort today as well. He compared life with a narcissist to the following:
Say you are standing in ankle-deep grass. At your feet, your partner is a venomous snake. The snake is writhing and striking your heels, and you are trying to dodge and move and avoid the bites--but you are bound to the snake and so you cannot actually run away from it. You must stay with it and try to evade the harm it wants to do you. Meanwhile, the people around you see only you, dancing and jumping, crying out, flailing. They don't see the snake in the grass at your feet doing this to you. They look at you, point, and turn away, muttering, "Crazy! That one is crazy!" And it is sort of true. You are being driven mad and no one gets close enough to see what's really going on just out of sight. Occasionally the snake will slither out, with its cunning smile, and a perfect demeanor, when in view of others. And they will say, "Oh look, what a lovely snake. It's so well-behaved and interesting." And the narcissist is affirmed. The ploy works. But back into the grass he goes, and when out of sight, the torment begins again.
The only way to regain your sanity, says the counselor, is to get away from the snake. Others will see and they will judge. They won't volunteer to live with a snake at their own heels, but they will judge you for setting yourself free.
My sound mind is returning. The friend I saw today said she could tell. She could see joy in me now--something she had not seen in the three years we've known one another. She says she can tell I was made for joy, and I was.
When speaking of slaves, the Apostle Paul encouraged them to "gain their freedom" if they were able. There was a time when women were not able to gain their freedom from abusive men, though those men were instructed by God to return their wives to the wives' fathers' homes if the man was going to abuse and not protect and provide for her. There are still cultures in our world today in which a woman is not able to gain her freedom. But in my culture, that is not the case. I am able to go free, and one thing I am noticing now: It is easier to face the judgment of those who don't understand when I have my own sanity than it was when I was on the brink of cracking. There is strength in freedom.
It isn't easy, but it is better.
So it was surprising and encouraging today when I met someone who knew something about this condition and what it is like to live in it. Her husband had been married before to a narcissistic woman. He too had experienced the shift in his own thinking--the desperate need for stability and security, the questioning of self about everything, the lack of rational foundation for any discussion, the shifting sand, the depression and anxiety--that women under abuse generally experience. Even a man can be so manipulated and destroyed when he loves a narcissistic abuser.
She said he went through much counseling to recover, and one of the affirming illustrations his counselor gave him brought me some affirmation and comfort today as well. He compared life with a narcissist to the following:
Say you are standing in ankle-deep grass. At your feet, your partner is a venomous snake. The snake is writhing and striking your heels, and you are trying to dodge and move and avoid the bites--but you are bound to the snake and so you cannot actually run away from it. You must stay with it and try to evade the harm it wants to do you. Meanwhile, the people around you see only you, dancing and jumping, crying out, flailing. They don't see the snake in the grass at your feet doing this to you. They look at you, point, and turn away, muttering, "Crazy! That one is crazy!" And it is sort of true. You are being driven mad and no one gets close enough to see what's really going on just out of sight. Occasionally the snake will slither out, with its cunning smile, and a perfect demeanor, when in view of others. And they will say, "Oh look, what a lovely snake. It's so well-behaved and interesting." And the narcissist is affirmed. The ploy works. But back into the grass he goes, and when out of sight, the torment begins again.
The only way to regain your sanity, says the counselor, is to get away from the snake. Others will see and they will judge. They won't volunteer to live with a snake at their own heels, but they will judge you for setting yourself free.
My sound mind is returning. The friend I saw today said she could tell. She could see joy in me now--something she had not seen in the three years we've known one another. She says she can tell I was made for joy, and I was.
When speaking of slaves, the Apostle Paul encouraged them to "gain their freedom" if they were able. There was a time when women were not able to gain their freedom from abusive men, though those men were instructed by God to return their wives to the wives' fathers' homes if the man was going to abuse and not protect and provide for her. There are still cultures in our world today in which a woman is not able to gain her freedom. But in my culture, that is not the case. I am able to go free, and one thing I am noticing now: It is easier to face the judgment of those who don't understand when I have my own sanity than it was when I was on the brink of cracking. There is strength in freedom.
It isn't easy, but it is better.
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