Why do we stay?
We think we are the ones chosen to help our very troubled mates. We don't want to give up on the people we love. We think we are alone and will be unsupported.
If you are being abused by your husband or boyfriend, please hear this: You are not alone. One in three U.S. women will experience domestic violence or stalking. But you must get away. You cannot heal your abuser. You must protect yourself.
Leslie Morgan Steiner speaks in this TED Talk about her own domestic violence experience. She, like many, does not look like a "typical abuse victim." Most of us don't. As she says, it happens to everyone, regardless of race, religion, income, or educational levels. It often happens to the women who seem confident, capable, intelligent.
Pay attention to these important pieces of information:
Over 500 women between the ages of 16 and 24 die each year at the hands of boyfriends and husbands. (Do not be one of them! Let's change this number radically!)
There is a pattern: 1) Seduction; 2) Isolation; 3) Threat
Does he seem too good to be true? Does he act as though you are the ONLY thing he needs? Does he conform himself to all your expectations? This is the seduction phase.
Does he try to draw you away from your community, move you to a strange place, or keep you from going out with others or have others in your life? Isolation is critical for the abuser.
Once he has charmed you and isolated you, the threats and violence can get worse.
Sometimes the three phases occur very quickly or simultaneously, but almost always, all are present.
Finally, keep in mind that separation may not be enough. Once an abuser loses control of his victim, he may feel he has nothing to lose in destroying her completely. At the first instance of abuse, call the police. Enlist others who will support you so that he knows there are witnesses. In this writer's case, enlisting a prominent person in the community who would firmly say to my abuser deserved that he should be in jail and WILL go to jail if any type of threat, intimidation, or contact occurs again has helped to give some additional security. Don't try to go it alone. Police, pastors (the ones who will listen), adult male friends and family members to back you up (though you will probably be called an adultress for having adult male friends), co-workers. Let people know. It is an intensely private issue, but we are not meant to live in isolation. There truly is safety in numbers.
Leslie Morgan Steiner on Why Abuse Victims Don't Leave: A TED Talk
We think we are the ones chosen to help our very troubled mates. We don't want to give up on the people we love. We think we are alone and will be unsupported.
If you are being abused by your husband or boyfriend, please hear this: You are not alone. One in three U.S. women will experience domestic violence or stalking. But you must get away. You cannot heal your abuser. You must protect yourself.
Leslie Morgan Steiner speaks in this TED Talk about her own domestic violence experience. She, like many, does not look like a "typical abuse victim." Most of us don't. As she says, it happens to everyone, regardless of race, religion, income, or educational levels. It often happens to the women who seem confident, capable, intelligent.
Pay attention to these important pieces of information:
Over 500 women between the ages of 16 and 24 die each year at the hands of boyfriends and husbands. (Do not be one of them! Let's change this number radically!)
There is a pattern: 1) Seduction; 2) Isolation; 3) Threat
Does he seem too good to be true? Does he act as though you are the ONLY thing he needs? Does he conform himself to all your expectations? This is the seduction phase.
Does he try to draw you away from your community, move you to a strange place, or keep you from going out with others or have others in your life? Isolation is critical for the abuser.
Once he has charmed you and isolated you, the threats and violence can get worse.
Sometimes the three phases occur very quickly or simultaneously, but almost always, all are present.
Finally, keep in mind that separation may not be enough. Once an abuser loses control of his victim, he may feel he has nothing to lose in destroying her completely. At the first instance of abuse, call the police. Enlist others who will support you so that he knows there are witnesses. In this writer's case, enlisting a prominent person in the community who would firmly say to my abuser deserved that he should be in jail and WILL go to jail if any type of threat, intimidation, or contact occurs again has helped to give some additional security. Don't try to go it alone. Police, pastors (the ones who will listen), adult male friends and family members to back you up (though you will probably be called an adultress for having adult male friends), co-workers. Let people know. It is an intensely private issue, but we are not meant to live in isolation. There truly is safety in numbers.
Leslie Morgan Steiner on Why Abuse Victims Don't Leave: A TED Talk
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