The media is finally condemning domestic abuse.
I've never much been in favor personally of making celebrities out of athletes. It seemed like a risky move to me, just as putting any human being on a pedestal for worship and intense adoration is likely to be. But if our culture did not make celebrities out of athletes, it is very possible that our same culture would not be seeing the progress it is finally seeing now. People are beginning to pay attention to the horror and prevalence of domestic violence. Finally.
The attention and outcry are getting louder. People are realizing that just as those Boston citizens could say, "I had no idea he could do something like plant a bomb at a marathon. He seemed like such a normal guy," or those Cleveland citizens could say, "But I lived next to those guys for ten years; I ate barbeque in their backyard. I had no idea they had kidnapped women in the bedroom upstairs," or those Oklahoma City residents could say, "But Tim seemed like an average guy to me," they too can say, "I had no idea that normal looking family man was a brute and a beast and a sociopath with the wife who stuck by him for so long."
Domestic violence is a type of terrorism. It depends on the same things to flourish: secrecy, privacy, outward appearances, threats, intimidation, the element of surprise.
And God hates it. Women are just as much a part of his "treasured possession" as believing men. He uses women as the very symbol of his own Bride, the church, whom he himself died for. He loves women fiercely and jealously and he will not remain patiently silent and merciful forever toward the men who harm his daughter, or the men in authority who will not come to their aid. It is these men in authority to whom Jesus was speaking when he told them that God did indeed allow for divorce, but why? Because their hearts were hard--the leaders', the men's hearts were hard. God allows for divorce in order to protect his daughters because men will not repent, have empathy, use their power for the good of the women they are to cherish and care for as their own bodies and as Christ loved the church.
It is to these abusive men, who have forgotten the bride of their youth, to whom God says he hates--the men who did not love their wives but instead created an unthinkable rift with them, these men who clothe themselves with violence (Malachi 2:16). Yes, God hates the rift in relationship that is divorce, but he gives permission for legalizing that divorce in order to protect the woman who is being destroyed by her faithless husband.
Your maker is your husband! And he will not forsake you. He is coming. He is coming back. And he is not coming as a lamb this time. He is coming as a GROOM and as a WARRIOR.
The trumpets are being sounded. Men of the church, are you listening? John Piper, are YOU listening? Will you use your power, your authority, your influence to defend the widows, where God's heart is, or to keep them in oppression, fear, and turmoil forever?
The evidence is clear. Abuse is wrong. The dividing lines are being drawn. The martyrs crying out, "How long?" are heard, and God is moving in his church. His justice is sure. We who have cried out and had our cries fall on deaf ears are heard. That's reason for praise!
SHADOWING ABIGAIL: A blog community for the open expression and healing of those who have experienced abuse at the hands of loved ones or trusted authorities.
Showing posts with label domestic violence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label domestic violence. Show all posts
Monday, September 22, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Sociopaths in the Church
Most of us go through our lives unaware that we are living and functioning alongside sociopaths in our communities on a regular basis. Until we finally identify that we are living with one, that is, and then, it is as if our eyes are finally opened and we can see how others are able to appear so normal to the outer world while deeply harming the people closest to them in secret.
Sociopaths are in your church too. Church is an easy place for them to hide and thrive. This article helps explain how that comes about and gives some valuable input into how to separate and then reunite in our thinking the appropriate ways to show grace and hold accountable those with this disorder who are harming others.
This is a "must read" for anyone. Victims of sociopaths will find encouragement here. Those who have escaped victimhood can find light to shine into the darkness for the victims in their midst. God put us in churches to help one another. Those under the control of a sociopath need love, fellowship, support, and ears to hear the horror they have experience and the emotional void they have a starvation to fill.
Be the church. Educate yourself about Anti-Social Personality Disorder and how it harms others. Start here: Anti-Social Personality Disorder in the Church.
Sociopaths are in your church too. Church is an easy place for them to hide and thrive. This article helps explain how that comes about and gives some valuable input into how to separate and then reunite in our thinking the appropriate ways to show grace and hold accountable those with this disorder who are harming others.
This is a "must read" for anyone. Victims of sociopaths will find encouragement here. Those who have escaped victimhood can find light to shine into the darkness for the victims in their midst. God put us in churches to help one another. Those under the control of a sociopath need love, fellowship, support, and ears to hear the horror they have experience and the emotional void they have a starvation to fill.
Be the church. Educate yourself about Anti-Social Personality Disorder and how it harms others. Start here: Anti-Social Personality Disorder in the Church.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Sanctuary or Living Hell
I woke up this morning with the word "threshold" in my mind. Threshold, threshold, threshold. Why?
A quick scan down the listing in my concordance landed me on Judges 19, and I remembered the story there. Rancid stuff. Horror. But I read it again, and this time, one line I don't remember noticing before stood out to me. Verse 3: "Then her husband arose and went after her, to speak kindly to her and bring her back."
To speak kindly to her.
This is the story of the slave-wife, the concubine of a Levite, who after some circumstance that left her labelled unfaithful (we are not told what she did, nor what the conditions of her life preceding her action may have been like), fled from her master-husband to take refuge "in her father's house at Bethlehem in Judah." After four months, her master-husband comes after her, finally, and the text notes that he intend to "speak kindly to her and bring her back."
Just a few verses later, this silver-tongued bastard is handing his slave-wife into the most treacherous scene ever. In order to defend himself, he gives the woman he has taken from the safety of her father's house into the hands of men who will rape and assault her until nearly dawn. When the master opens the door the next day, he finds his concubine outside the door with her fingers on the threshold. She has crawled back from her horror to the one who sent her into it, and found the door closed to her.
This is not her father's house.
Is she already dead? Or comatose from trauma? We don't know, but the master-husband has no regard for her. When his order to her to get up and get on their way gets no response, he picks her up and lays her on his beast. In the next scene, he hacks her body into a dozen pieces and sends it out throughout all the land. The depth of evil in his heart is exposed, and nothing like it had ever before been seen or heard of.
How many of us have reached safety or almost reached it, only to lose our footing when kind words convince us to return once more, to put ourselves back into precariousness or outright danger? How many have been told it is our obligation to do so, because Christ suffered at the hands of the enemies he would make his friends at his own death? I know I have.
I have been the concubine with my fingers on the threshold, frozen, traumatized, all but dead.
Today, I am in my father's house. And I am not leaving it. I can't go back there. Kind words are not enough.
A quick scan down the listing in my concordance landed me on Judges 19, and I remembered the story there. Rancid stuff. Horror. But I read it again, and this time, one line I don't remember noticing before stood out to me. Verse 3: "Then her husband arose and went after her, to speak kindly to her and bring her back."
To speak kindly to her.
This is the story of the slave-wife, the concubine of a Levite, who after some circumstance that left her labelled unfaithful (we are not told what she did, nor what the conditions of her life preceding her action may have been like), fled from her master-husband to take refuge "in her father's house at Bethlehem in Judah." After four months, her master-husband comes after her, finally, and the text notes that he intend to "speak kindly to her and bring her back."
Just a few verses later, this silver-tongued bastard is handing his slave-wife into the most treacherous scene ever. In order to defend himself, he gives the woman he has taken from the safety of her father's house into the hands of men who will rape and assault her until nearly dawn. When the master opens the door the next day, he finds his concubine outside the door with her fingers on the threshold. She has crawled back from her horror to the one who sent her into it, and found the door closed to her.
This is not her father's house.
Is she already dead? Or comatose from trauma? We don't know, but the master-husband has no regard for her. When his order to her to get up and get on their way gets no response, he picks her up and lays her on his beast. In the next scene, he hacks her body into a dozen pieces and sends it out throughout all the land. The depth of evil in his heart is exposed, and nothing like it had ever before been seen or heard of.
How many of us have reached safety or almost reached it, only to lose our footing when kind words convince us to return once more, to put ourselves back into precariousness or outright danger? How many have been told it is our obligation to do so, because Christ suffered at the hands of the enemies he would make his friends at his own death? I know I have.
I have been the concubine with my fingers on the threshold, frozen, traumatized, all but dead.
Today, I am in my father's house. And I am not leaving it. I can't go back there. Kind words are not enough.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
A Voice for the Abused #1: Gary Thomas speaks against making victims stay
Conservative churches, who should recognize
the heart of God and God's love and compassion for the victims of
injustice, often are the hardest ones on the victims of domestic
violence. It ought not be this way. But not every church leader takes
the rigid line that a woman should suffer continually under the abusive
hands of the man who swore before God and human witnesses to love and
cherish her. Gary Thomas speaks out against requiring a woman to stay in
an abusive marriage:
God Hates Domestic Violence
The church leaderships that say "No divorce," even in cases of abuse, are often looking at the Bible as a handbook, with step-by-step rules for life. Using the handbook approach, they often miss the big picture of who God is and what overarching themes he has revealed to us.
It is true that God never intended divorce when he designed marriage. He may ordain it, now that we are after the Fall, but it was not a part of the original design. It is true that as marriage reflects God's relationship with his church, it reflects the permanence of that relationship. But all symbols break down in this broken and fallen and corrupted world. Man is sinful. God is not. God alone, in his perfect goodness and perfect love and perfect humility, is able to unilaterally hold together a union such as his with his imperfect bride, the church. In a human marriage on this side of the Fall, however, marriage is not a unilateral relationship. It is bilateral--both parties have a role. Both parties make vows and are expected to keep them. Even if not kept perfectly, the essence of the vows must be kept.
There is no way the essence of the vow to "love, honor, and cherish" or to "nourish her as his own body" (paraphrased from Ephesians 5) is being kept when a man abuses his wife--when he lives out a pattern that does her harm out of some ungodly need within himself.
When the church leaders of the day tried to trap Jesus about the certificate of divorce Moses allowed men to give, Jesus referred them back "to the beginning." In the beginning, before the Fall, it was not this way. God instituted marriage before the hardness of heart that would destroy it existed. Is it possible that the issue of marital abuse is never specifically stated as a means for divorce in the Bible because of that redirection Jesus gives us to "the beginning"? Is it possible that abuse is so far from the purpose of the institution of marriage, from the relationship between God and his church that is being reflected, that it doesn't even belong on the table for discussion?
Paul too refers us back to Genesis, before the Fall, but does so more subtly. Ephesians 5:29, the very model of marriage, refers to how a man is to care for his wife: For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
No Bible reader can miss the connection Paul is making here to Adam's first words upon seeing the woman who was taken from a rib in his own side and formed to be his in one-flesh union. Genesis 2: 22-24: And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
In the beginning, there was no abuse in marriage. Even after the Fall, God predicts that the relationship is strained, but still, abuse does not come into the discussion. The woman will crave deep, meaningful relationship with her husband and the two will struggle to find it (Genesis 3:16). (Such is the basis for the need of marriage counseling and the myriad books we have to address communication issues in marriage today.) Man will protect himself from that deep relationship, as pride has entered in now and he is no longer "not ashamed." He will be tempted to use his strength and position to "lord over her" instead of keep her by his side as his equal partner in dignity, purpose, worth--but even so, that "lording over" does not open the door for the kind of activity and intent to destroy that abuse has in it. (Jesus reiterates the error in this attitude when reminds his disciples in Matthew 20: 25 that "lording over" others is a trait of the pagans, and that "it shall not be so among you" who believe. But nothing in either statement, Old Testament or New, suggests that the "lording over' included ongoing abuse.) No, even "lording over" did not encompass destructive abuse. The first such destruction we see in the Bible comes not from a husband to a wife but from brother to brother when Cain kills Abel. We are to be shocked and horrified that it is possible for such hatred and self-promotion to exist between brothers, but it is not suggested that it even can exist between husband and wife. Adam and Eve's marriage after the Fall remains, and continues to produce life rather than death.
From a biblical perspective on abuse in marriage: It ought not to be so.
Abuse is such a distortion of God's plan for marriage that it does not even earn a place at the table of discussion when anomalies in marriage are being discussed. As both Jesus and Paul refer back to the beginning to define marriage, we can be confident that they were speaking of marriage as God intended it, and not an anti-Christian relationship that has destruction of the most beloved at its heart instead of loving union, even in this ongoing imperfect world.
God Hates Domestic Violence
The church leaderships that say "No divorce," even in cases of abuse, are often looking at the Bible as a handbook, with step-by-step rules for life. Using the handbook approach, they often miss the big picture of who God is and what overarching themes he has revealed to us.
It is true that God never intended divorce when he designed marriage. He may ordain it, now that we are after the Fall, but it was not a part of the original design. It is true that as marriage reflects God's relationship with his church, it reflects the permanence of that relationship. But all symbols break down in this broken and fallen and corrupted world. Man is sinful. God is not. God alone, in his perfect goodness and perfect love and perfect humility, is able to unilaterally hold together a union such as his with his imperfect bride, the church. In a human marriage on this side of the Fall, however, marriage is not a unilateral relationship. It is bilateral--both parties have a role. Both parties make vows and are expected to keep them. Even if not kept perfectly, the essence of the vows must be kept.
There is no way the essence of the vow to "love, honor, and cherish" or to "nourish her as his own body" (paraphrased from Ephesians 5) is being kept when a man abuses his wife--when he lives out a pattern that does her harm out of some ungodly need within himself.
When the church leaders of the day tried to trap Jesus about the certificate of divorce Moses allowed men to give, Jesus referred them back "to the beginning." In the beginning, before the Fall, it was not this way. God instituted marriage before the hardness of heart that would destroy it existed. Is it possible that the issue of marital abuse is never specifically stated as a means for divorce in the Bible because of that redirection Jesus gives us to "the beginning"? Is it possible that abuse is so far from the purpose of the institution of marriage, from the relationship between God and his church that is being reflected, that it doesn't even belong on the table for discussion?
Paul too refers us back to Genesis, before the Fall, but does so more subtly. Ephesians 5:29, the very model of marriage, refers to how a man is to care for his wife: For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
No Bible reader can miss the connection Paul is making here to Adam's first words upon seeing the woman who was taken from a rib in his own side and formed to be his in one-flesh union. Genesis 2: 22-24: And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
In the beginning, there was no abuse in marriage. Even after the Fall, God predicts that the relationship is strained, but still, abuse does not come into the discussion. The woman will crave deep, meaningful relationship with her husband and the two will struggle to find it (Genesis 3:16). (Such is the basis for the need of marriage counseling and the myriad books we have to address communication issues in marriage today.) Man will protect himself from that deep relationship, as pride has entered in now and he is no longer "not ashamed." He will be tempted to use his strength and position to "lord over her" instead of keep her by his side as his equal partner in dignity, purpose, worth--but even so, that "lording over" does not open the door for the kind of activity and intent to destroy that abuse has in it. (Jesus reiterates the error in this attitude when reminds his disciples in Matthew 20: 25 that "lording over" others is a trait of the pagans, and that "it shall not be so among you" who believe. But nothing in either statement, Old Testament or New, suggests that the "lording over' included ongoing abuse.) No, even "lording over" did not encompass destructive abuse. The first such destruction we see in the Bible comes not from a husband to a wife but from brother to brother when Cain kills Abel. We are to be shocked and horrified that it is possible for such hatred and self-promotion to exist between brothers, but it is not suggested that it even can exist between husband and wife. Adam and Eve's marriage after the Fall remains, and continues to produce life rather than death.
From a biblical perspective on abuse in marriage: It ought not to be so.
Abuse is such a distortion of God's plan for marriage that it does not even earn a place at the table of discussion when anomalies in marriage are being discussed. As both Jesus and Paul refer back to the beginning to define marriage, we can be confident that they were speaking of marriage as God intended it, and not an anti-Christian relationship that has destruction of the most beloved at its heart instead of loving union, even in this ongoing imperfect world.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
What Is Abuse?
Abuse is widely misunderstood, and when we don't understand a thing, we have a very difficult time addressing it and dealing with it appropriately.
Abuse can take many forms, but the underlying connection that is so often not grasped is that abuse is not a REACTION to another person. Abuse originates within the abuser.
Take this in, please: Abuse originates in the abuser.
Victim-blaming is always in error. It comes in many forms: You must have provoked him somehow or he wouldn't have hit you. You were raped because you were wearing a short skirt and high heels. She may have been only 14, but she clearly knew what she was doing when she attracted her rapist. You should have known better. You must have caused it somehow.
And the answer to all those lies is "NO!"
There is a chasm of difference between provocation and abuse. An abuser seeks a victim because something in him (or her, but for the sake of ease of communication and with statistical support, we are using "him" most regularly) is so broken that it needs to do harm to another in order to satisfy itself. Abuse very often comes up out of nowhere, without provocation. It is NOT normal behavior. It is normal for a person to get angry in response to some wrong being done to him, and it is true that some people get too angry. They may become hurtful as they respond to their own injuries. There can be a fine line between out-of-control anger and actual abuse, and discerning it may be a challenge. But as a rule, abuse is over the top, originating within the abuser not as a reaction to something the victim has initiated, but it is an effort to destroy or excessively control with intent to harm the victim.
Here is a list that may be helpful to some readers. It is the "continuums of abuse." Abuse does occur on a "continuum." It may begin with mild, even trivial-seeming actions. But left unchecked, it will escalate, continue, to more serious actions. Abusers do not "check" themselves. They must be confronted and held accountable before there will be any hope of controlling the behavior. Please also note: Child molesters also work on a continuum, and even children who have been molested and become molesters while still minors will replicate the same continuum to draw in their even younger victims.
It was helpful to this writer. Some years ago, I stumbled across this list. I had symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and in searching for the syndrome that my collected symptoms fit, I kept coming to lists of abuse characteristics. I finally began to connect the dots. What I had experienced truly was abuse, and what I was dealing with truly was PTSD. I didn't know. I printed the list and highlighted everything I had survived. My list showed about half the physical abuse points, almost all the psychological, and about half the sexual. And I was falling apart. But knowledge is power, eventually. It may not be the case immediately. It got worse before it began to get better.
This writer had a difficult time at first accepting the "label": I have been abused. I am currently in an abusive relationship. I am an abuse victim.
That's not at all who I ever thought I would be. Taking on the "label" at first sent me into a very low place emotionally. But the truth had to come out. If you've read the Introduction to this Blog (the first entry: you can find it here), then you have read that we have a commitment to the truth here. And the truth will set us free. I had to face the truth that my situation really was abuse.
Is yours? Consider the list. Consider the initiating circumstances. Accept the actual definition, if it applies, and begin the process of being freed. If you are or have been abused, it is not your fault, but you are probably carrying a great deal of false guilt because it happened to you. We must shake off this false guilt! It is toxic and deadly and will not help you escape or heal.
God does not want you to be abused. It is an injustice and a horror that is a part of being alive in this decaying world, but there is hope. Let's walk into the light of truth together.
Abuse can take many forms, but the underlying connection that is so often not grasped is that abuse is not a REACTION to another person. Abuse originates within the abuser.
Take this in, please: Abuse originates in the abuser.
Victim-blaming is always in error. It comes in many forms: You must have provoked him somehow or he wouldn't have hit you. You were raped because you were wearing a short skirt and high heels. She may have been only 14, but she clearly knew what she was doing when she attracted her rapist. You should have known better. You must have caused it somehow.
And the answer to all those lies is "NO!"
There is a chasm of difference between provocation and abuse. An abuser seeks a victim because something in him (or her, but for the sake of ease of communication and with statistical support, we are using "him" most regularly) is so broken that it needs to do harm to another in order to satisfy itself. Abuse very often comes up out of nowhere, without provocation. It is NOT normal behavior. It is normal for a person to get angry in response to some wrong being done to him, and it is true that some people get too angry. They may become hurtful as they respond to their own injuries. There can be a fine line between out-of-control anger and actual abuse, and discerning it may be a challenge. But as a rule, abuse is over the top, originating within the abuser not as a reaction to something the victim has initiated, but it is an effort to destroy or excessively control with intent to harm the victim.
Here is a list that may be helpful to some readers. It is the "continuums of abuse." Abuse does occur on a "continuum." It may begin with mild, even trivial-seeming actions. But left unchecked, it will escalate, continue, to more serious actions. Abusers do not "check" themselves. They must be confronted and held accountable before there will be any hope of controlling the behavior. Please also note: Child molesters also work on a continuum, and even children who have been molested and become molesters while still minors will replicate the same continuum to draw in their even younger victims.
Physical Abuse (in order of increasing danger)
Holding down, blocking, pinning
Pushing or shoving
Shaking or jerking
Slapping and bruising
Throwing objects
Punching
Kicking
Black eyes, cuts, chipped teeth
Burning with hot drinks, cigarettes, etc.
Causing serious falls
Choking
"Stoning" victim with objects
Severe beatings
Broken bones
Hitting with objects
Back injuries, paralysis
Internal injuries
Use of weapons
Death-
Psychological Abuse
Jokes or put-downs that demean the victim, public or private
Acting like the victim's feelings, needs, and ideas don't matter
Enforcing rigid roles and rules for women
Controlling through jealousy
Lying to control and manipulate
Making victim think she is always misunderstanding (gaslighting--making her think she is crazy)
Isolating the victim from friends, family, community, social events
Insults and name-calling
Holding distant past events against victim
Slandering victim to others who might otherwise be supportive of her
Yelling and raging
Humiliation, throwing food
Fists through wall
Threats and intimidation
Destruction of her property; stealing her property
Hurting or killing pets
Displaying guns, sleeping with guns
Depriving the victim of sleep
Abuser threatens suicide
Tries to get the victim to commit suicide
Threatens to kill her and/or the children
Death -
Sexual Abuse
Anger at women
Excessively narrow definitions of gender roles
Sexual jokes and put-downs
Overly controlling segregation of genders
Demeaning comments
Public complaints about the sexual relationship with the victim
Treat woman as a sexual object; sex expected as a duty
Verbalizing dissatisfaction with victim's body; pressuring victim to make outrageous changes (plastic surgery; post-childbirth surgery)
Withholding sex to punish
Touching victim in ways that feel uncomfortable, in public or private
Requiring victim to pay for anything with sex acts
Promiscuity and sexual affairs
Offering victim to others for sex
Sex after or with violence or abuse
Forced by violence or threats into sexual acts the victim doesn't want to do
Marital rape
Incest with children
Sadism
Death of victim
It was helpful to this writer. Some years ago, I stumbled across this list. I had symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and in searching for the syndrome that my collected symptoms fit, I kept coming to lists of abuse characteristics. I finally began to connect the dots. What I had experienced truly was abuse, and what I was dealing with truly was PTSD. I didn't know. I printed the list and highlighted everything I had survived. My list showed about half the physical abuse points, almost all the psychological, and about half the sexual. And I was falling apart. But knowledge is power, eventually. It may not be the case immediately. It got worse before it began to get better.
This writer had a difficult time at first accepting the "label": I have been abused. I am currently in an abusive relationship. I am an abuse victim.
That's not at all who I ever thought I would be. Taking on the "label" at first sent me into a very low place emotionally. But the truth had to come out. If you've read the Introduction to this Blog (the first entry: you can find it here), then you have read that we have a commitment to the truth here. And the truth will set us free. I had to face the truth that my situation really was abuse.
Is yours? Consider the list. Consider the initiating circumstances. Accept the actual definition, if it applies, and begin the process of being freed. If you are or have been abused, it is not your fault, but you are probably carrying a great deal of false guilt because it happened to you. We must shake off this false guilt! It is toxic and deadly and will not help you escape or heal.
God does not want you to be abused. It is an injustice and a horror that is a part of being alive in this decaying world, but there is hope. Let's walk into the light of truth together.
Why "Shadowing Abigail"?
The title of this blog is related to our following in the footsteps of a biblical person who had no doubt experienced abuse by someone who should have loved her dearly. This woman found herself bound to an abusive husband. Abigail's story can be found in 1 Samuel chapter 25.
The name Abigail can mean "my Father's joy" or "my Father is rejoicing." Given her marriage to a dangerously selfish brute of a man who would put himself, his wife, and all his hired young men into a life-or-death situation simply to stroke his own ego, we can imagine that Abigail knew the despair of being unloved, used, and trodden upon. But unlike many, including some of ourselves, she chose to act in wisdom to save herself and others. Her actions averted great tragedy, and upon the death of her abusive husband, Abigail was given by God to the care of King David, as his own wife.
She suffered, but she was not forgotten.
We who have known abuse walk in the shadow of this woman, in the knowledge that we too have suffered, but we are not forgotten. All who call on the name of the Lord will be saved.
The name Abigail can mean "my Father's joy" or "my Father is rejoicing." Given her marriage to a dangerously selfish brute of a man who would put himself, his wife, and all his hired young men into a life-or-death situation simply to stroke his own ego, we can imagine that Abigail knew the despair of being unloved, used, and trodden upon. But unlike many, including some of ourselves, she chose to act in wisdom to save herself and others. Her actions averted great tragedy, and upon the death of her abusive husband, Abigail was given by God to the care of King David, as his own wife.
She suffered, but she was not forgotten.
We who have known abuse walk in the shadow of this woman, in the knowledge that we too have suffered, but we are not forgotten. All who call on the name of the Lord will be saved.
Introduction to This Blog
If somehow you've found this blog site, let us welcome you. Welcome, and come, be safe here.
We are broken people. We admit that we are not sinless. And yet, we are people who have been broken even further by the sins of others, in particular, individuals or groups of individuals whom we loved and trusted.
We are the abused and molested children. We are the wives of destructive marriages. We are the devoted and used up friends of narcissists. We are the overpowered in the legalistic and patriarchal church movement--those who desperately needed grace but got further victimization, strong-arming, and law instead of mercy. We are orphans and widows by circumstance.
And we are seeking healing and wholeness and love in an all-too-often loveless world.
If you have a story to tell, you may send it to shadowingabigail@gmail.com. All submissions will be read. If your story seems to be one that others may benefit from, we may choose to publish it here.
Guidelines for submission:
1) Above all else, we are committed to truth telling. The truth will set us free.
The truth is not always beautiful in and of itself, but it is the path to freedom. Not all stories are lovely and emotionally positive. Not all stories have yet reached a conclusion. We believe that God is at work in all things, and that he does indeed work even our worst nightmares for good in the end. But at present, we may not be at all aware of how our story will end. We are in the dark, but we are still committed to telling the truth in the darkness. All submissions to this blog should be earnestly considered in every detail: Is it the truth? If there is any doubt, please do not submit your story for consideration.
2) The purpose of this blog is healing, not damaging others.
Though we have been wounded by others, it is not our intention to seek revenge or to inflict return harm on those who have harmed us. Therefore, even as we tell our stories, it is important that we must be careful to never slander or expose another person's wrongdoing specifically so as to harm that other person. Yes, if that person was in sin, he or she should be confronted and held accountable for it, but this is not the place to do that. That should be done in private, possibly face to face if it is safe to do so, and with the support of other appropriate members of your community, not excluding law enforcement if necessary. Therefore, those submitting stories may wish to use only their first names, nicknames, or Internet user id names. No full names will be published with submissions. Additionally, full names of individuals in story submissions will not be published. Use careful discretion please, and remember to do to others as you would have them to do to you, and to love your enemies as you love yourselves.
3) Write with respect and dignity.
Language matters. Many of us have been hurt by words. Please be careful to use only respectful and dignified word choices in your writing. Language that profanes the Deity will not be printed or allowed in the comments. Other language that can be considered obscene or derogatory may be censored for the sake of limiting its trigger effect on others.
4) Remember grace.
The God of grace did not turn his back on his rebellious creation. Instead, he humbled himself, set aside his own glory by choice, and entered in to suffer alongside his beloved people. By living a perfect life and giving that life freely at the hands of sinners he came to buy back from their own self-destruction, he gave perfect evidence of his choice to love eternally all who call on his name to be saved. He now looks upon his people with complete favor, and nothing can separate his beloved from him, now or ever. It is in the context of the knowledge of that saving, unmerited grace, that we offer up our wounds for healing, and that we offer our stories to one another. Therefore, we commit here on this site to offer gentleness, optimism, kindness, respect, and dignity to one another, even at times when we find ourselves in disagreement. Though we encourage discussion, we are not here to chastise one another, to offer easy platitudes, to downplay one another's pain or try to fix or dismiss it, and most certainly not to judge or place blame on the victims, regardless of the life choices that may have contributed (or may not have contributed) to the injury experienced. We are here to build up, to strengthen one another, and to encourage toward an eternal healing in keeping with the grace bestowed on the world by God through Jesus Christ.
5) Guidelines for participating in this blog may change over time. Recurring issues will inevitably have to be addressed, and we will do so as needed.
We are broken people. We admit that we are not sinless. And yet, we are people who have been broken even further by the sins of others, in particular, individuals or groups of individuals whom we loved and trusted.
We are the abused and molested children. We are the wives of destructive marriages. We are the devoted and used up friends of narcissists. We are the overpowered in the legalistic and patriarchal church movement--those who desperately needed grace but got further victimization, strong-arming, and law instead of mercy. We are orphans and widows by circumstance.
And we are seeking healing and wholeness and love in an all-too-often loveless world.
If you have a story to tell, you may send it to shadowingabigail@gmail.com. All submissions will be read. If your story seems to be one that others may benefit from, we may choose to publish it here.
Guidelines for submission:
1) Above all else, we are committed to truth telling. The truth will set us free.
The truth is not always beautiful in and of itself, but it is the path to freedom. Not all stories are lovely and emotionally positive. Not all stories have yet reached a conclusion. We believe that God is at work in all things, and that he does indeed work even our worst nightmares for good in the end. But at present, we may not be at all aware of how our story will end. We are in the dark, but we are still committed to telling the truth in the darkness. All submissions to this blog should be earnestly considered in every detail: Is it the truth? If there is any doubt, please do not submit your story for consideration.
2) The purpose of this blog is healing, not damaging others.
Though we have been wounded by others, it is not our intention to seek revenge or to inflict return harm on those who have harmed us. Therefore, even as we tell our stories, it is important that we must be careful to never slander or expose another person's wrongdoing specifically so as to harm that other person. Yes, if that person was in sin, he or she should be confronted and held accountable for it, but this is not the place to do that. That should be done in private, possibly face to face if it is safe to do so, and with the support of other appropriate members of your community, not excluding law enforcement if necessary. Therefore, those submitting stories may wish to use only their first names, nicknames, or Internet user id names. No full names will be published with submissions. Additionally, full names of individuals in story submissions will not be published. Use careful discretion please, and remember to do to others as you would have them to do to you, and to love your enemies as you love yourselves.
3) Write with respect and dignity.
Language matters. Many of us have been hurt by words. Please be careful to use only respectful and dignified word choices in your writing. Language that profanes the Deity will not be printed or allowed in the comments. Other language that can be considered obscene or derogatory may be censored for the sake of limiting its trigger effect on others.
4) Remember grace.
The God of grace did not turn his back on his rebellious creation. Instead, he humbled himself, set aside his own glory by choice, and entered in to suffer alongside his beloved people. By living a perfect life and giving that life freely at the hands of sinners he came to buy back from their own self-destruction, he gave perfect evidence of his choice to love eternally all who call on his name to be saved. He now looks upon his people with complete favor, and nothing can separate his beloved from him, now or ever. It is in the context of the knowledge of that saving, unmerited grace, that we offer up our wounds for healing, and that we offer our stories to one another. Therefore, we commit here on this site to offer gentleness, optimism, kindness, respect, and dignity to one another, even at times when we find ourselves in disagreement. Though we encourage discussion, we are not here to chastise one another, to offer easy platitudes, to downplay one another's pain or try to fix or dismiss it, and most certainly not to judge or place blame on the victims, regardless of the life choices that may have contributed (or may not have contributed) to the injury experienced. We are here to build up, to strengthen one another, and to encourage toward an eternal healing in keeping with the grace bestowed on the world by God through Jesus Christ.
5) Guidelines for participating in this blog may change over time. Recurring issues will inevitably have to be addressed, and we will do so as needed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)