Abuse can take many forms, but the underlying connection that is so often not grasped is that abuse is not a REACTION to another person. Abuse originates within the abuser.
Take this in, please: Abuse originates in the abuser.
Victim-blaming is always in error. It comes in many forms: You must have provoked him somehow or he wouldn't have hit you. You were raped because you were wearing a short skirt and high heels. She may have been only 14, but she clearly knew what she was doing when she attracted her rapist. You should have known better. You must have caused it somehow.
And the answer to all those lies is "NO!"
There is a chasm of difference between provocation and abuse. An abuser seeks a victim because something in him (or her, but for the sake of ease of communication and with statistical support, we are using "him" most regularly) is so broken that it needs to do harm to another in order to satisfy itself. Abuse very often comes up out of nowhere, without provocation. It is NOT normal behavior. It is normal for a person to get angry in response to some wrong being done to him, and it is true that some people get too angry. They may become hurtful as they respond to their own injuries. There can be a fine line between out-of-control anger and actual abuse, and discerning it may be a challenge. But as a rule, abuse is over the top, originating within the abuser not as a reaction to something the victim has initiated, but it is an effort to destroy or excessively control with intent to harm the victim.
Here is a list that may be helpful to some readers. It is the "continuums of abuse." Abuse does occur on a "continuum." It may begin with mild, even trivial-seeming actions. But left unchecked, it will escalate, continue, to more serious actions. Abusers do not "check" themselves. They must be confronted and held accountable before there will be any hope of controlling the behavior. Please also note: Child molesters also work on a continuum, and even children who have been molested and become molesters while still minors will replicate the same continuum to draw in their even younger victims.
Physical Abuse (in order of increasing danger)
Holding down, blocking, pinning
Pushing or shoving
Shaking or jerking
Slapping and bruising
Throwing objects
Punching
Kicking
Black eyes, cuts, chipped teeth
Burning with hot drinks, cigarettes, etc.
Causing serious falls
Choking
"Stoning" victim with objects
Severe beatings
Broken bones
Hitting with objects
Back injuries, paralysis
Internal injuries
Use of weapons
Death-
Psychological Abuse
Jokes or put-downs that demean the victim, public or private
Acting like the victim's feelings, needs, and ideas don't matter
Enforcing rigid roles and rules for women
Controlling through jealousy
Lying to control and manipulate
Making victim think she is always misunderstanding (gaslighting--making her think she is crazy)
Isolating the victim from friends, family, community, social events
Insults and name-calling
Holding distant past events against victim
Slandering victim to others who might otherwise be supportive of her
Yelling and raging
Humiliation, throwing food
Fists through wall
Threats and intimidation
Destruction of her property; stealing her property
Hurting or killing pets
Displaying guns, sleeping with guns
Depriving the victim of sleep
Abuser threatens suicide
Tries to get the victim to commit suicide
Threatens to kill her and/or the children
Death -
Sexual Abuse
Anger at women
Excessively narrow definitions of gender roles
Sexual jokes and put-downs
Overly controlling segregation of genders
Demeaning comments
Public complaints about the sexual relationship with the victim
Treat woman as a sexual object; sex expected as a duty
Verbalizing dissatisfaction with victim's body; pressuring victim to make outrageous changes (plastic surgery; post-childbirth surgery)
Withholding sex to punish
Touching victim in ways that feel uncomfortable, in public or private
Requiring victim to pay for anything with sex acts
Promiscuity and sexual affairs
Offering victim to others for sex
Sex after or with violence or abuse
Forced by violence or threats into sexual acts the victim doesn't want to do
Marital rape
Incest with children
Sadism
Death of victim
It was helpful to this writer. Some years ago, I stumbled across this list. I had symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, and in searching for the syndrome that my collected symptoms fit, I kept coming to lists of abuse characteristics. I finally began to connect the dots. What I had experienced truly was abuse, and what I was dealing with truly was PTSD. I didn't know. I printed the list and highlighted everything I had survived. My list showed about half the physical abuse points, almost all the psychological, and about half the sexual. And I was falling apart. But knowledge is power, eventually. It may not be the case immediately. It got worse before it began to get better.
This writer had a difficult time at first accepting the "label": I have been abused. I am currently in an abusive relationship. I am an abuse victim.
That's not at all who I ever thought I would be. Taking on the "label" at first sent me into a very low place emotionally. But the truth had to come out. If you've read the Introduction to this Blog (the first entry: you can find it here), then you have read that we have a commitment to the truth here. And the truth will set us free. I had to face the truth that my situation really was abuse.
Is yours? Consider the list. Consider the initiating circumstances. Accept the actual definition, if it applies, and begin the process of being freed. If you are or have been abused, it is not your fault, but you are probably carrying a great deal of false guilt because it happened to you. We must shake off this false guilt! It is toxic and deadly and will not help you escape or heal.
God does not want you to be abused. It is an injustice and a horror that is a part of being alive in this decaying world, but there is hope. Let's walk into the light of truth together.
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